Happiness is NOT the Goal

Why did it take me so long to realize that HAPPINESS was not the goal for my marriage? 

If happiness were the goal, I would've been divorced by now.

A Kingdom marriage is my goal, and happiness is a benefit. Marriage should reflect the image of Christ and advance the Kingdom of God. We should find our happiness within ourselves and our relationship with God. Our spouse will then add to that.  I put these expectations on my husband that he would've never been able to fulfill. Only God can. Before realizing this, it caused us serious issues. My husband's purpose wasn't to just make me happy, complete me, or make me whole. That is idolatry. We should look to God to complete us and make us whole. My happiness is my responsibility. However, this doesn't mean he shouldn't take my needs into account.

My husband and I got married, and we skipped the honeymoon phase. A week after "I do's," I was pregnant. Once we found out, we started worrying more about the life we were going to provide for our children than our actual marriage. One day your kids will be out of your house, and they will have their own families. So, it would be best if you didn't forget about what got you the kids in the first place. The marriage quickly became a day in and a day out routine. Work, eat, sleep, take care of the kids, repeat. That was a big NO, NO, for me. Quality time is my love language. So, what did that do for me? It made me completely unhappy, and after a failure to receive my concerns, which I now believe was due to my delivery, I became the angry wife.

I automatically assumed my marriage failed because, in that season, I wasn't happy.

We were newly wedded! Should I be feeling like this? I started to question if we made the right decision? I didn't even consider what my husband may have been going through. I just wanted to be satisfied. If you make me happy, then I will make you happy; this was my thought process. Whether I am happy or not, if I want a Kingdom Marriage, I still needed to show up every day. And to be honest, some days I refused to show up. Showing up in a marriage is required for it to be successful. Be the best you, you can be whether your partner is at their best or not. That is some of the best advice I received. Because the moment you decide not to show up gives the enemy a chance to rear his ugly head. 

Society has shaped us toward a plan of self-fulfillment.

It's all about YOU and how YOU feel. So, if you're not happy, you feel like you're settling. You watch the world move from one thing to the next as their feelings change. But what the world isn't showing is sometimes you quickly regret following your emotions and not living by Godly principles. 

Then comparisons started, and I began looking at how pretty everyone else's grass "looked" when I didn't know what these people had going on behind closed doors. I stopped considering the vows I took or what God's Word said because I was in my feelings. Genesis 2:24-25 states we are ONE flesh, both naked and not ashamed. That scripture made me realize if we are ONE flesh... the way I desired to be taken care of, my husband needs to be taken care of as well. It's not just about me. When I read NAKED and UNASHAMED, I didn't think just literally. I thought NAKED with each other's truths and who we are! How can I allow my husband to be naked with me if all I care about is my concern?  If your spouse doesn't allow you to feel safe with your nakedness, you will lack familiarity. I wasn't making him feel safe by making the marriage only about me. 

I had to make God the foundation of my marriage.

And let's be clear, just because God is the foundation doesn't mean you are exempt from marital struggles. It will, however, change how you deal with those struggles. Will you run to others when conflict arises? Or will you run to God, and His Word to get your direction? When God is your foundation, you learn how to fight the enemy together, instead of fighting each other! You realize who the real enemy is.

The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy; that includes your marriage. 

The enemy messed up the moment I realized he wanted me to break the covenant I made with God and my husband. When I realized he wanted my kids to come from a broken home. That I was called to break generational curses, and he wished to put a stop to it. He wanted to kill my faith. The enemy wanted me to make my husband take all the blame for our issues. Which, for me, meant no accountability. Without accountability, I wouldn't produce growth. He wanted to drive out intimacy, which would distract us from the purpose of our marriage. 

So, I chose as a believer to have a Kingdom marriage.

To get there, I had to break a few bad habits: Running to others and not God about my struggles. It is ok to get wise counsel, but when you find yourself telling people that can't or won't help the situation, you are just building a team against your spouse. Is that really what you want? Run to God first and wise counsel second, if God moves you to. Reacting off emotions. Still working on this one, but I've gotten way better. When something offended me, I responded first and thought about it after. The saying is true, "Hurt people, hurt people!" Now I like to think about the situation and plan the best way to approach my husband. Proverbs 15:1 Be gentle! I've realized from this he'll realize his mistakes before I even say anything because of the Holy Spirit, or he's more receptive instead of shutting down when I approach him because he's not on defense. Speaking and thinking negatively about my marriage. The negativity clouded my judgment of my husband. I only saw the things I thought he was doing wrong to support my negative thoughts. Comparisons. Comparing your marriage, be it good or bad, can hinder growth. Seeing people of the world acting off emotion, you start to feel like you're settling because you're not. You don't feel like you're living your "best life." Everyone is moving from one thing to another, and you feel stuck. As a believer, stand firm in living based on Godly principles. Feelings are temporary; they change. I know mine did.

I choose to have a Kingdom marriage.

I desire to be a Kingdom wife. Since then, I've been happier in my marriage and more pleased with my spouse. Getting married was the natural part; being committed and staying married is where I decided I will put the work. 

Do you think happiness should be the goal of marriage?

If you're unhappy, do you feel like that justifies a divorce? 

Let me know your thoughts below. 

(Please note this does not pertain to adultery or physical abuse. If you are in a situation such as that, please get the necessary help.)